Future Lucasfilm Projects Revealed!

That is a bit strange.

Fitting. Consider the target audience of this show, or at least the underlying demographic to which it caters in sensibility...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   i.e. Karens.

Virtually indistinguishable from Romulan Ale. 
Something's going on here. 

Looks like this is isn't happening
ew.com/justin-simien-is-in-grief-over-shelved-lando-spinoff-series-8689898

WTF? It looks nothing like Star Wars. It does, however, look like a contemporary cash-in, some lame, denatured blend of "The Goonies", "The Hobbit", "Guardians Of The Galaxy", and "Spy Kids". I mean, genre-wise, that sounds like a fun mashup, but the whole aesthetic is so un-Star Wars. Just get a load of these innovations in visual stylings and cutting-edge art direction:

- kids in Earth clothes, circa 2024
- a test taking place in an empty gymnasium
- a school bus or tram system
- concrete roads and underpasses
- leafy suburbs

Then all that other knockoff fantasy-movie shit:

- a yellow lamp in a garage hanging on a scissor bracket

Oh, sorry, we did that part already...

- a meaningful close-up shot of someone walking through grass
- a washed out sun-flare image of people walking through a forested glade
- orange-and-teal abandoned/hidden-world exploration scenes
- hyper-teal "Mass Effect" ship dock scene
- a four-shot still of four characters looking posed and purposeful, eyeing the Unknown World they're about to enter
- a character turning their head sharply, as if reacting to a loud fart
- some goofy/weirdass-looking character, probably an ally, doing some "come at me bro" gesture ("This is tense!")
- a money shot image of ships being shredded/dinosaurs fighting/volcanoes erupting/an Ewok cumming
- a motherfucking owl
- a helper robot redolent of K2SO, plus Dumbo, and Wolfman (cannibalising existing Star Wars/Disney hits -- but remember: "Jar Jar is waaaaacist")
- a prison scene, a rusty old key, and characters turning with astonishment and trepidation to...

Wait! Jude Law?

It simultaneously looks like the coolest and the dumbest of all the Star Wars TV shows. Which is an accolade I'm not ready to process. Instead, my neurons are collectively sighing at the sight of more indecipherably so-bad-it's-good rubbish from Disney. We've truly passed through the looking glass at this point. Nothing fazes or amazes me anymore. I'm like THX in his little apartment, mindlessly zoning out to flickering tripe, with not even the strength to jerk off, just sitting there while a machine does the deed for me.

Hooter and Fuzzball from Captain EO appear in this feature. 1980s America in the GFFA doesn't seem like that horrible of an idea, even if most people hate it. Seems like the kind of thing George would do as a joke. Of course, there's probably no real point behind this show, and they're just throwing stuff at the wall now.

The most affording take, perhaps: a singular whimsy of inspiration that mixes Star Wars with '80s Spielbergian suburbia... I guess. 

Honestly, though, to me it just feels complete in the homogenized-brained marketing sensibility of taking something that was once its own thing, turning it into all things for a stretch (ST, spinoffs and Disney+ stuff up til now) before finally turning it into the most basic-bitch contemporary, after-school toyetic thing imaginable. Like, I WHISH I got Ready Player One vibes as Cryo referenced, but no; it's just inevitably Nickelodeon. It's like a Star Wars tie-in McDonald's 'happy meal' commercial only inverted. 
     
If sincere, they woulda shoulda thrown Jar Jar Binks in as a main character who teams up with the kids. That'd at least count for something. 

Yup. And just to be clear, I was trying to put the most benevolent and enlightened spin on the trailer/show I could think of, with my "Ready Player One" retort. It obviously doesn't appear to be in the same league. It's softcore Señor Spielbergo. 


Ha! Jar Jar Binks is The Orange Ampbibian That Shall Not Be Named at Disney. Even now, where he'd be a perfect fit, they'd rather pretend he doesn't exist. Then again, Jar Jar is such an underrated and elegant creature precisely because he was realised within George Lucas' megalopolitic dreamspace (i.e., Jar Jar is Jar Jar plus all that other freewheeling, fractal bliss: a gleaming synecdoche, the golden apple within an orchard).